Narcissistic Abuse: Recognize the Signs and Start Healing

What is narcissistic abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is abuse at the hands of someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It involves the narcissist hurting or manipulating you to feed their own ego and tighten their sense of control. For instance, the narcissist might mock and criticize you to tear down your self-esteem. Or they might dismiss your feelings and opinions, leaving you feeling unsupported and unimportant. The abuser’s manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting and guilt-tripping, can make you question yourself and give in to their demands.

The abuse can also be subtle. They might simply ignore your needs or withhold affection to maintain power over you. It’s also worth noting that narcissists are capable of being charismatic and seemingly caring. In fact, between instances of abuse, the abuser may try to win you over again with sweet words and apologies. All of this leaves you feeling hurt, confused, and trapped.

Narcissistic abuse can take place in different relationships, including in family connections, in romantic relationships, and between coworkers. No matter where it takes place, protecting yourself starts with recognizing the signs of abuse and understanding the cycle.

Signs of narcissistic abuse

Narcissistic abuse isn’t always obvious, especially if the abuser is someone you trust or admire. Here are a few signs to watch out for.

Gaslighting. This is when the abuser tries to make you doubt your own perceptions or memories. They do this by denying facts or distorting the truth.

Love-bombing and devaluation. Narcissistic abuse typically involves a pattern of showering you with excessive affection and then attempting to tear down your self-esteem.

Constant criticism and belittling. To devalue you, the abuser might unfairly nitpick your every action, insult you, or minimize your accomplishments.

Shifting blame. Rather than taking responsibility for their mistakes and shortcomings, the narcissist will find a way to blame you or other people.

Withholding affection. A narcissist might only show you love or approval when you give in to their demands. They intentionally hold back to make you feel anxious and fearful, and this gives them a sense of control over you.

Isolation from friends and family. The abuser will try to cut you off from other sources of social support. For instance, they might encourage you to stop talking to your closest friends.

Financial abuse. In close relationships, the narcissist might try to limit your access to money or make you dependent on them for resources. This restricts your independence and makes it easier for them to control you.

Understand the cycle of narcissistic abuse

Narcissistic abuse tends to follow a pattern including phases of idealization, devaluation, discarding, and then hoovering.

Idealization. During the initial phase, the narcissist can come off as charming and caring. Perhaps a narcissistic boss starts by making you feel valued and appreciated, or a lover showers you in compliments and makes you feel heard.

Devaluation. Their behavior suddenly switches. That narcissistic boss starts to criticize you unnecessarily and humiliate you in front of coworkers. The narcissistic lover picks fights and disregards your feelings and opinions. You feel increasingly hurt and foolish for putting your trust in them.

Discard. This is when the abuser withdraws and leaves you feeling entirely uncared for and alone. This part of the pattern can be especially challenging if you’ve become accustomed to relying on the abuser for resources like money or housing. As the relationship ends, the abuser might deny any abuse ever occurred, project blame onto you, or publicly smear you—telling others that your instability was the root of all the issues in the relationship.

Hoovering. During this phase, the narcissist will try to pull you back into the abusive relationship. Maybe a narcissistic boss suddenly starts praising your achievements again, or perhaps an ex-lover tries to re-establish contact. They might offer you support or help when you’re in need, so they can present themselves as a “hero.” Or they might apologize for their past behavior and express regret over withdrawing from your life. If their hoovering is successful, the cycle restarts.

The narcissist abuse cycle can be as confusing as it is emotionally damaging. The push and pull of the relationship can take a toll on your self-esteem and sense of security. You might lose sight of your own wants and needs as the narcissist manipulates you, and the toxic relationship might isolate you from healthier connections.

The emotional and psychological impact of this type of abuse

Narcissistic abuse can leave deep and long-lasting emotional scars. Being the victim of manipulation and neglect can make you doubt your self-worth and question your own feelings and experiences. You might struggle with low self-esteem and question whether you deserve love and happiness. Shame and guilt might hang over you because you’ve come to believe you’re to blame for the situation, even though it’s not actually your fault.

Depression and anxiety can also develop. The thought of leaving the relationship might terrify you, and a sense of hopelessness sets in as you feel trapped. Some people in these types of situations go on to develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), a mental condition that results from long-term or repeated trauma.

Even after cutting off your connection with a narcissist, you might have difficulty trusting new people. Maybe you feel hypervigilant, always on the lookout for emotional danger. Or perhaps you socially or romantically withdraw entirely, feeling like opening yourself again is too risky.

How to deal with active narcissistic abuse

If you’re currently experiencing narcissistic abuse, it’s important to take the following steps to protect yourself and move toward a healthier situation.

Recognize and name the abuse. When the abuser is someone you feel close to, you might be tempted to deny the abuse or excuse their behavior. Instead, take time to reflect on what’s happening and how it’s affecting your well-being.

Set and enforce boundaries. Setting boundaries can keep you physically and emotionally safe. Clearly communicate what types of behavior you won’t tolerate. For instance, you might express that the narcissist’s insults are hurtful and that you’ll spend less time with them if they continue to disrespect you.

Adopt no-contact or low-contact strategies when possible. This might involve fewer phone calls or text messages with an abusive family member, or working a different shift from a narcissistic coworker.

Build more social support. Reach out to friends, family members, and other loved ones. They can offer you support and resources, making it easier for you to achieve independence from your abuser.

Practice self-care. Prioritize self-care activities that enhance both your mental and physical well-being. For example, make more time for your hobbies, journaling, or exercising.

Recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse

No matter how drained or hopeless you might feel after escaping the cycle of narcissistic abuse, know that recovery is always possible. It’s important to reclaim your sense of self-worth and identity. To achieve this, consider exploring ways to define your values, build your confidence, and pursue goals that truly matter to you. You can also work on developing healthier relationship patterns with those around you. For instance, you might reflect on red flags in other people’s behavior, so you can avoid narcissists in the future.

Working through trauma and emotional pain in therapy is another crucial step. Reaching out to a mental health professional can be a life-changing step. If you’d like to explore online therapy, we provide information on a number of highly rated online therapy platforms that can help you connect with a licensed professional. Recovery may not occur overnight, but with time, self-compassion, and the right support, you can feel empowered and begin to heal.

Resources

Narcissism and Abuse – More information and advice on abuse by narcissistic partners. (National Domestic Violence Hotline)

Last updated or reviewed on December 9, 2025